Belle of the Ball

One Act One Woman show

by Patricia Horwood

 

The character is a middle aged woman called Lana.   She is a brunette, plump/curvy, attractive with a bubbly personality.  The play is set mostly in her bedroom.   It is a good bedroom with a small sofa next to a dressing table and a small table so that she can sit and do things.  There is a phone on the table and some books, notepads and pens and a laptop.  When Lana talks, she talks to the audience like a confidante or counsellor.  The audience have become her outlet.    She looks at the audience and addresses them when chatting. 

 

Scene One:  

 

Lana tumbles in through the door into her bedroom and falls onto the bed.  Her shoes are fashionable very high heeled red shoes and a fun party dress such as a 1950’s style sweetheart neckline and full skirt.   She is singing and humming bits of an old song:  

 

“I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden, along with the sunshine, there’s gotta be a little rain sometimes...  mmmmmmm.... mmmm..  “ 

 

She is drunk though not badly... tired but buzzing from a fun night out.   She is just rambling away ..........

 

“God my feet are killing me.  I have been dying to own a pair of red, funky high heeled shoes and have a reason to wear them.  Well, it finally happened.  I had a birthday none of us want – bloody 50.  What self respecting woman wants to be 50?  Don’t broadcast it do you....? ..... just slide gracefully, or otherwise,  into invisibility.  [Lana sits up.  She walks about the stage showing the audience her shoes and her legs, lifting her skirts a little]  “Not too bad for 50 eh?”

 

Well, I finally found a stonking pair of gorgeous red shoes fit to party in and here they are [Lana takes them off and shows the audience].  Wonder how often I shall get to wear them.  It was probably months ago since I went out and had such a good time.  Don’t go out often now, can’t handle the head the next morning anyway and the effort of going out just to have a boring evening doesn’t seem worth it......  too tired most of the time....................  can’t look after a family if you’re crabby and hungover can you?

 

........  So, even at 50 I get to wear these stupidly high heels that didn’t exist when I was 24 and I can tell you, it feels good, really good to be able to walk in them!  So many of my friends say  “oh, I couldn’t walk in those!”   They seem to have consigned themselves to a middle age uniform and I can feel some kind of smug satisfaction that I can wear them..... and do dare to.   Makes you feel like you are still there, part of it, [says quietly to herself almost] not just a wife and mother.   Yeah, those pretty young things in their 20’s who look flaming amazing these days are there, but I am way past being jealous.  I can look at them and think ‘been there, done that and got the gold medal.  There is no way you are as confident or competent as me – no threat.’  So, what’s left when you look at it like that?  Well, just fun of course!  [Lana giggles and flops back down onto the bed]

 

One change I have hated.... my eyebrows.  They seemed to work just fine when I was younger.  In the photos now my eyebrows are angular and awkward.  I guess all the muscles are going south now; always wondered whether you could stick one of those muscle exercise pads onto your eyebrows to bring back their splendour.  You know, like the Slendertone ones you stick on your bum – probably fry your brain.  Anyway,  I spend flipping ages trying to reshape eyebrows that do not grow as fast as they used to; ....... [thoughtfully and mock seriously] except those nights when re-forestation occurs and you wake up with hair all over your eyebrows and lip and you know,...... you just know, it was not there the day before. 

 

Well, nighty night, better go off to bed and see what time I get woken up in the morning.  [Lana starts to undress and the lights fade out].

 

New Scene:

 

Lana is in the bathroom.   She walks back into her bedroom holding her tummy a little and sits on the edge of the bed.   Her clock says it is 6 am.

 

“Bloody fed up with my innards.  You know I have a chronic upset stomach and if I have a few drinks ... whoosh ... on the loo.  Eggs the same..... painful and exhausting.  Do you know what the ‘ever so clever’ treatment is?  Flaming Immodium .... every day ..... that’s it!  No cause, no cure, just Immodium.  “Be less stressed” the ever so wise medical profession say.  It took 7 years of medical training to come up with that one.  So, little insignificant me spends ages trawling the internet constantly researching diet and new wisdom and guess what, tons of information out there that our doctors don’t seem to be able to use – our medical system is like a straightjacket.  Anyway, guess what I found ...... did you know in 50% of us, various sugars cause chronic gut difficulties and depression!  So, if I know that, why doesn’t my doctor?  [Lana grabs her tummy due to a tummy cramp and rushes back to the loo.  Comes back rubbing her tummy a little but not saying anything].   [Matter of factly] Well, winge over ..... just want to enjoy a good night out without all the consequences ..... dream on Lana. 

 

My husband is probably still asleep in the other room.  He snores, fidgets and keeps me awake so when I had the children he started to go off to sleep in the other room most nights.    Hardly see him now.   Anyway, it means I can get on without interruption.  Got a couple of calls to make and waiting for one from the vet.  We have a lovely large hairy dog, Whisky, with a swollen bone on her ankle. 

 

Lana walks over to her door and calls out:

 

“Kids, are you up?  ..................Great stuff ..... c’mon .. uniforms on the sofa.  Beth, don’t forget your music.  C’mon Tod........., what is it .........no fuss today please, you have to go to school..............[sigh]..  ok, just coming, I’ll have a look” 

 

Lana leaves for a minute and returns. 

 

“Tod won’t go in again.  This is ridiculous.  I’ve got him screaming and shouting at me – I end up in an argument with him and this is not his fault or mine ...  this flaming boy, Ollie, is bullying him but I’m the one getting the brunt.  These characters are so clever you know;  we have gone from the first week of senior school with a serious injury to his arm, to the last week of the year with now an injury to his back where he was punched which means he can hardly sit in a chair as this has aggravated a serious shoulder injury, so..... he is saying he cannot go in as he is in too much pain and says he won’t go in anyway whilst this other boy is in school.  This is about the 6th injury and still it is being viewed as ‘there is some tension between them’.   Tod has a sensory disorder and quite severe hypermobility so he is very easily injured and any pain is intense.  So I dread anything happening to him;  now, I have really had enough ...... I don’t need someone else causing the bloody injuries.     So, I emailed in to the school a couple of days ago.  I have had to be in constant contact with the school over Tod’s injuries and pain and this boy – so flaming time consuming - but now I’ve put my foot down and said the boy has to be banned from even breathing on him.  Well, the school hate [emphasis] all the emails.  They do not like paragraphs only single sentences.  The whole world now seems to be functioning on shallow sound bites of meaningless short conversations and bare minimum written words.   I thought everyone was supposed to be more educated these days ..... seems I am the odd one....   Anyway, I digress... my written word certainly got a reaction.  I had an awful meeting yesterday but it ended up with the desired result .  I was so shaken by the meeting I came home and sobbed for most of the afternoon;  then, pulled it all together, as you do, for the children coming home from school and to get ready for my birthday night out. 

 

Well, better take my ‘happy pill’ and go and sort breakfast.

 

New Scene:  

 

Lana is back in the bedroom putting on some face cream and a little make-up and trying to brush her eyebrows with an old mascara brush.   The phone rings:

 

“Oh, hello Liz, how is Whisky?  ... Oh, .... [silence whilst she listens].  Yes, I agree, quality of life is the most important – I don’t want to put her through suffering  – she should be happy.   .... mm ....I’ll go with the flow and let things take their course...........  Ok, I’ll collect her in an hour.  I’ve no idea how to tell the children – they will be devastated.”

 

Lana puts the ‘phone down and starts to weep.  Lana is talking and crying at the same time.

 

 “You know she has been my best friend, through everything.  Through my illness and big surgery, been there for the children through all that too, got me out during my convalescing when my anxiety was too great to leave the house; she is a huge beast, Leonberger,  that is so gentle it is a privilege that she entrusted herself to us.  Six months max to live .... she has bone cancer, she’s only 6;  ............... it has gone onto her chest.  How on earth do I tell the children?  Sometimes I feel so alone.” 

 

Lana picks up the phone and dials out:

 

“Yes, thanks .... can I speak to the school nurse please.... thanks.   ....Hello Alison.   I’ve got a problem again .... Tod is refusing to come in.  He is extremely upset and says he is in too much pain again and won’t come in unless Ollie is not there. .....................  ok, ............. yes, I can tell him.. good idea ... we’ll meet with his form tutor and yourself then and I’ll tell him that.  I’ll call you when I’ve got him to agree and get dressed......... yes, could take a while but I’ll call as soon as I can.”

 

Lana calls out : “Tod ...... are you dressed yet .....  we are going in shortly ....”

 

Lana makes another phone call:

 

“.... yes, hopefully you can.  We have purchased some gems for a game on my childrens’ tablets for £6.99 and now I have every bank account and credit card of mine and my husband’s littered with £34.99 purchases all made on one day amounting to hundreds of pounds.  .... No, I cannot have made the purchases by accident – it is fraud.  You will find a lot of information on this one on the internet.  Yes, thanks ... stop the account and please get the replacement card out to me as soon as possible.”

 

Hangs up the phone.

 

“Every flaming account ... bloody nightmare.  Some of the banks seem particularly ignorant about all this.  Comes to something when I am telling them what is going on out there in the big wide world!”

 

“Tod .... I can’t hear any movement .... c’mon, we are going in .... we are having a meeting so that you can have a talk about it all.  Get dressed and clean your teeth .... “

 

Another phone call:

 

“ Yes, thanks .... my email account is not working.  I have been receiving hundreds of repetitive spam messages and now it is not working at all and I can’t manage without it ; I am waiting for lots of important stuff.  [Listens to instructions].................... ... You want me to sort all that?   Can’t you ?..... I don’t really have the time to sort out something that complicated – I don’t know anything about it......   Well, if you can’t sort it, how do you expect me to be able to?  ..... Change the nameservers..?   can’t that be done automatically?  ... ok, then, can’t you do anything to stop all this horrendous spamming ?  ................................. Well, freezing my account doesn’t help me much does it?  ................... [resigned sigh]..Ok... I’ll look into it and get back to you“

 

Lana shouts quite loudly now:  “Tod ...... are you ready?  I still can’t hear anything ..”

 

Lana picks up the phone:

 

“Hello ......  can I cancel the MRI I have booked for my son please.   Yes, it was on his shoulder .... he is in a lot of pain so as you know it was urgent;   I have found one at another hospital for tomorrow.  Many thanks for your help yesterday.”

 

Ends call.  Lana walks out into Tod’s bedroom so you can’t see her, only hear her.

 

“C’mon Tod ..... are you ready?  ..... well, we have to go in....  listen and calm down......  They are going to make a plan for you ... try and sort it .........    I know, I know .... they’ve not sorted it so far but I have been told to promise you the boy is now officially being dealt with as a bully so he is not allowed to breathe on you........ and the doctors are writing to the school so that everyone knows about your condition and you will get extra time to write too ......  I know, I have told the school that teachers and assistants that tell you you are a fake and wasting their time is not at all helpful.  That person has been spoken to also ...... it’s all being sorted now.  Look Tod, any more trouble and you just come and talk to me or go to matron ok?  You can’t run away from difficulties all the time my darling......in the end you have to face them....  we are all supporting you and helping deal with this .... now you must help us......  I am listening Tod but you are not listening to me [Lana is getting frustrated] ...................   NO, THAT IS ENOUGH NOW ..... GET YOUR BLOODY CLOTHES ON AND GET INTO THE CAR .... NOW   !!!  

 

End of Scene

 

It is now evening and Lana comes back into the bedroom door, furious. 

 

“Bastard ......  I’ve had the day from hell, he comes walking in and goes and lies down without even telling me he is here, then tells me there is a football match on tonight then asks whether his dinner will be ready in time for it ....  I told him I’m just trying to finish working on something and sort the children out but there is some dinner in the oven he can help himself too.  You know what he says?  “We had an agreement – I look after the cars, you do the cooking!!  No such bloody agreement I’m aware of by the way.  So, I said, “the cooking is done but I didn’t say it would come with bloody maid service!!”   Selfish sod ..... you know he thinks I’m sponging off him; he thinks unless I am in full time work  I am worthless .... I wish, I bloody wish.  Makes me very angry – there is a government supported consensus that you don’t need the mother to look after your children; all you need is a bloody childminder.   A devoted mother is an old fashioned luxury.  Well, if that is the case, why does the bloody prime minister make sure the camera sees him playing “Daddy”.   I’d like to find someone else to pick up all the shit I deal with constantly.   There isn’t an employer on this planet supportive of a parent with tricky family needs; all you can do is work for yourself – build your own world and do it your way.  But no, my husband still imagines I can go and get a 9 to 5 job, work full time and deal with children who are constantly off school and refuse to go in.  Bloody years I’ve been dealing with this .... years but no matter what I do I am nothing; nothing to society, nothing to the government and nothing to my husband.  An invisible sloth, constantly tired for no reason at all.  I am no-one.

 

[Lana looks in the mirror and brushes her hands over her face and hair.  She puts her happy face and tone back on]

 

“I’m coming ..... you ready now for a kiss goodnight?  Teeth done, hair brushed, school bags packed?   ..............  ok, watch out for the bottom monster because its on the way ......................”

 

Lana leaves the room.  You can hear her telling the children she is going to tickle them and blowing tummy raspberries.  She says “night night .... sleep well ......... thank you, love you too  kiss kiss “

 

On returning to the room she is holding a bottle of wine and a glass.  She sits down on her sofa and hangs her feet over the end, back propped up on big soft cushions.  Pours a glass of white wine and begins to drink.   Lana is chatting and drinking.

 

“Once it gets to eight pm and anyone is still playing up, I warn everyone “you know I grow horns at eight.  If you keep pushing it and don’t leave me alone to have some time to myself I will turn into devil woman, get really angry ..... and you won’t like it!    Doesn’t seem to matter what I say half the time, but they still get the warning each time.  You know, you are giving yourself to the family from 6.30 am through to 8.30 pm at least, often 9.30 or 10 before you stop and it is too much.  No time to wind down before bed and then after a few days or weeks of being on the go solid you just crash:  brain stops working properly, terrible fatigue sets in and you just have to slow down or stop.  I can put my head down late afternoon after an 8 or 9 hour shift before the evening shift starts and just doze off – never used to be able to do that – just exhausted.  Then when it gets to bedtime, haven’t had enough time to wind down before sleep and can’t get to sleep.  When I do get to sleep someone wakes me up and I am usually awake before 5 anyway.  So, I truly value my little time before bed and yes I do grow horns and turn into devil woman. 

 

Turned down an invite out with the other mothers from school the other night; too exhausted.  I keep getting these headaches – they are phenomenal.  Just need to pace myself.  Don’t go out much these days.  Hardly ever go out with my husband.  Just spend hours dealing with things for the house, the children, trying to study and write whenever I get a minute.   So, I enjoy my evening tipple.  Have to be very careful what I drink these days though.  Red wine makes me really suffer with headaches and tummy ache and some spirits just make me really depressed.  Do you ever get that?  I love Grand Marnier and then I noticed one day that I was so incredibly down and black each time I drank it.  So, I avoid it now.  I had a friend who turned into crazy woman whenever she had a Gin! 

 

You know, I used to drink without any trouble; down as much as I wanted on a night out, or at a party.  Three bottles of wine each would not be unusual.  I had a chap who always called me the Belle of the Ball; lovely he was.  It was because I always danced ‘till the bitter end at every party and put in way too much effort into an outfit.  I would love any excuse to dress up;  always the one who seemed overdressed or most glamorous – depending on your point of view.   As you know, still do like to push it a bit when it comes to dressing up for a night out.  Who says a woman of 50 can’t wear killer red heals?  Still, I always worry I look like a pillock but I can’t resist ....  terrified of the ‘middle class moth syndrome’ but with a body like mine, well......  hard not to end up looking like a tart!  Well, these days I don’t feel up to all that going out.   [Lana is drinking her wine whilst chatting.. by the end of this scene she has drunk the whole bottle]   Don’t mind all the hard work with the family really, just nothing much to look forward to for myself.  My husband and I barely talk so when we are out doing something it is just hard work – easier to be out on my own.  Very enjoyable here, sitting in my room, having a tipple [drinks more ], doing some work on my laptop or doing some scribbling.  Whatever I do, I seem to be alone.   Truth is by this time of night I usually don’t have much left .... just sit here relaxing to ensure I can get to sleep.  If I wake too early, that’s it.  Every problem and worry under the sun needs to be thought about and resolved at 5 am.  I am trying to train myself to concentrate on a restful image or something to help me go back to sleep.  Not very good at it. 

 

Lana falls asleep on the sofa and the lights fade out. 

 

New scene :

 

Lana is getting up and getting dressed.  She chooses a pretty sun dress and puts her hair up. 

“mmm.... musn’t forget my happy pill”.  She takes a pill with a glass of water.  She goes out of the room and you can hear her calling and waking the children in a kind tone. 

 

“C’mon ..... time to get up.  Tod ..... remember, two weeks at school every day and you get your own swiss army knife.....    Beth, c’mon, up you get......”

 

New Scene: 

 

Lana appears in her room with a cup of tea. 

 

“Ok, children at school today, let’s do the emails.   I might take the laptop down to the kitchen today – just have a quick look“

 

Lana opens the laptop and sees one she has to respond to.  She sits down and starts typing.  She picks up her diary and writes things into it then goes back to the laptop. 

 

She picks up the phone and starts dialling.

 

“Yes, may I have an appointment for an eye test for my daughter please ......”

 

Lana ends the phone call and it rings.  She answers it. 

 

“Hello matron .........  oh, I was hoping for a day to get things done.  Is he that bad?  ....... mmm, I know .... he’s been in a lot of pain with that shoulder;  I’m not surprised he is struggling....... yes,  I know, we were all trying hard to keep him in school now ....... really?..... you think so?  Ok, I’ll phone the doctor again and see what they say..  I’ll be there shortly.”

 

Lana leaves and the scene ends.

 

New scene:

 

You can’t see Lana, only hear her outside the bedroom.  “Now rest quietly darling whilst the painkillers kick in; the doctor will be ‘phoning soon and I’ll get some advice from him”

 

Phone rings and Lana walks into the bedroom to answer it:

 

“Thanks for phoning doctor.  This shoulder is really no better.  He is convinced it feels dislocated even though the x-rays say it isn’t.  It is obviously still moving in and out and it needs stabilising really................................... oh, ok ............ that’s a shame.  I was hoping the nurse would be able to rig up an effective shoulder brace or something.  Well, better go back to the hospital then and see what they can do.”  Lana calls to Tod  “Tod .... the doctor says we have to go back to A&E.  He says they should be able to rig up a support for your shoulder.  We had better go now.”

 

Scene ends / new scene:

 

It is the evening;  about 9pm.  Lana enters the room again with a bottle of wine and a glass and sits down on her sofa and pours herself a drink.

 

The phone rings:

 

“Hello Helen.  How are you?  Lovely to hear from you ..... how are your girls?   .................University? wow .... that came round quick.  Are you ok – how is your Dad these days?  ...... oh, I am sorry, .... that must be really difficult fitting in all those visits and appointments.  If there is anything I can do to help, just let me know won’t you ..... I mean it........... Gosh, you are going to have a birthday night out in the middle of all that? ... you are brave. .......... no, not stupid, ..... I understand ..... it helps to get together with friends sometimes doesn’t it.  ........... Oh me, yes I’m fine.  Really enjoying the hot weather.  I put on a fun summer dress today just for the hell of it.  Tod is going through it - a bit of a challenge.  I think I’m getting there though – you know how it is, life goes on with or without you............... Yes, of course.... I would love to come.  So 8, Blue Orchid, 3 weeks time”.

 

Lana puts the phone down and lays out on the sofa with her feet dangling over the edge. 

 

“My husband has gone out for a drink with friends.  Can’t remember the last time I did that;  got out of the habit really.  I wonder where everyone gets all their time from; how come their lives seem so calm and organised.  They must only do what they do; the same thing, the same routine – follow all the rules and run their perfect households.  My household has never been like that!  Perhaps I am just crap.”

 

Lana sits quietly for a moment and drinks another glass of wine.  “You know, sometimes I have a glass of Sambuca.  It reminds me of some fun nights I had in Covent Garden when I was a bit younger.  It has a warm glow and slides down just nicely.  In fact ......”  Lana gets up and goes to a cupboard and takes out a bottle of Sambuca.  She pours herself a small glass and sups it.  “mmmm ... that is so nice..” 

 

“I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday.  Last Saturday I had a meltdown.  I got out of bed and walked into the kitchen to tidy up and make a cup of tea.  I couldn’t face it; the mess; another day of bloody drudge, doing the same predictable thing all the way through to 8 or 9 only to fall back into an exhausted heap again.  My husband will go off and do whatever he wants to do; garden, garage, out doing something and just leave ... just like that.  Me with the children for the day, then on Sunday again and then start all over again Monday.  I just couldn’t face it.  I sat down on my bed and cried, then I couldn’t stop.  I just sobbed.  The children came in so worried for me and I felt awful for them.  I told them I was fine, just didn’t feel too good today.  They are not stupid; they weren’t happy.  They are gorgeous children – I love them so much.  Then my husband came back in and snapped something so mean at me I just had a panic attack.  It was so bad, I couldn’t breathe – you feel like you are going to die.  My doctor was concerned and changed the dose on my happy pill.  She says the antidepressants need to be working slightly better than they are.  I have been better since being on them though; definitely feel like I am more of an even keel, less episodes like that now.  Those black days, the dark grey envelope that surrounds everything you do.... they are the pits;  really hard to put on that brave face and smile.  [Lana pours herself another Sambuca and drinks]  You know, we used to put coffee beans in these and then light the top.  Once that has burnt out you can drink it .... really delicious.  You weren’t invisible then.... back in Covent Garden.  I wore short skirts, little jackets, fancy shoes and felt comfortable, happy, life was full of fun and promise.  Now, I am invisible.  Now I am trying to find another life, start all over again; be true to who I am, whatever that means.  I have been writing again you know.  First novel out and second one on the way;  no money yet ... my husband doesn’t care about the novel, just whether I have any money.  I just care about purpose; having a reason to get out of bed, get the horrible stuff done so I can get down to writing and creating something; having a project that you can throw yourself into.  That is so hard when you are carrying such a heavy black cloud.  You know, I can’t think of anything more invisible, more low status than a middle aged mother, who is overweight who doesn’t have a back up career or occupation of some kind.  You are of no interest to anybody; no opinions and no intelligence.  Even the schools treat you like you are the enemy ‘my god, a stupid parent, smile sweetly and run’. 

 

I had a great job you know,  plenty of money, an identity and a purpose.  But now ...... I hate being invisible; having no direction; no goals..............  I am changing it...... definitely changing it.  Just digging myself out of this clay cast..... then I will remember the person who unflinchingly believed in the promise of future; always turned every situation into a new advantage.  Now, my happy pills are helping me .... helping me dig myself out of my hole.  I don’t feel it yet though ...... “  [Lana starts to weep a little].  I don’ t feel enough, just the sorrow but I pretend..... I push through and I am sure eventually that will work..... [Lana is sniffing a little and wiping her eyes] that I will find a way to walk on my words that I write and float, light as a feather, believing in ........ what.... well, me I suppose; believe in me and how to be Belle of the Ball and dance all night again; call up my friends and do one of those parties I used to do.  Sod the mini skirt, middle aged fun would be just fine ..... just fine ......

 

Got to tell the children about Whiskey tomorrow ........”

 

Lana puts her head back onto the big soft pillow.  “Tired of being lonely though.”  She wipes her eyes and nose and falls asleep.  The song, “I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden”  by Lynn Anderson ..... plays quietly while she falls asleep.

 

Scene Ends

 

The play ends as it began:

 

Lana tumbles in through the door into her bedroom and falls onto the bed.  Her shoes are fashionable very high healed red shoes and a fun party dress such as a 1950’s style sweetheart neckline and full skirt.   She is singing and humming bits of an old song:   “I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden.”

 

“That was a lovely birthday dinner ...    My feet are killing me”   Lana continues to hum.  She is lying on the bed on her back and she waves her legs into the air moving her feet around to admire her red shoes, still humming her song.  It then joins in and plays quietly in the background as she sings along.

 

The lights fade out.

 

END